I discovered a new layer of resistance recently. Not only do I resist feeling the so-called negative emotions, I resist the fun ones too, like excitement, which is a form of happiness. I haven’t known how to feel excitement as an adult.
I Wanted to Feel Calm, Cool and Collected.
Going into the Memorial Day weekend, I noticed I wasn’t sleeping well. I was having trouble falling asleep at night and was waking up a lot. At the time my son was preparing to be involved in a 3 day event over the holiday weekend. When I checked with my body, I noticed a buzzy feeling in my torso which felt like anticipation. It was annoying because I wanted to feel calm and relaxed and to sleep well and rest up for enjoying the event.
My Nervous System Felt Amped Up.
By the end of the first day of the event I was exhausted and in pain. My lower back ached and I was having some pelvic pain. I took it easier the second day and felt a bit better, but I was still feeling anxious and didn’t sleep well. The last day I was okay for a few hours before the pelvic pain came on intensely. As we left the event I had a feeling of urinary urgency and a burning pain in my crotch. My nervous system felt amped up. I thought I needed to calm down. Working my trigger points, resting, and open focus meditation all helped me feel better later that evening.
I was Resisting Feeling Excitement.
After self-coaching and getting coached, I realized I was resisting feeling excitement. I’m so used to being calm, cool and collected, that I have forgotten how to allow the feeling of excitement. Part of me automatically suppressed it. It feels so much like fear. I’ve been conditioned since childhood to behave well. Excitement can be loud and out of control, is not polite and organized, and can be disruptive. It’s really not socially acceptable to express excitement in many situations.
Excitement is Full of Energy.
When I let myself more fully feel and connect with excitement I learned that it has a lot of energy. It’s connected with creativity. When I suppress it, it feels like swarm of bees in my body. It wants to move up through my belly and out through my heart. My body wants to move with it. It wants to jump up and down, frolic, whoop, holler and laugh. While I was being coached I was able to more fully physically feel and allow the feelings of excitement in my body. I reassured myself that it was okay to feel it and it wouldn’t make my pain worse. Since excitement, as a form of happiness, is an emotion it needs to move through the body just like anger, sadness and fear.
So I moved with it, a week after I had suppressed the emotion. I went into an open room in my house and I jumped up and down and whooped and laughed and skipped and danced until I was out of breath. Then I did it again. Now I know what excitement feels like and what to do with it. Next time, instead of trying to remain calm, cool and collected, I’ll recognize my excitement as happiness and I’ll frolic with it.